I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday