Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Can’t stop laughing
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.