Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.