In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
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I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.