We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
#Caturday
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”