Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
WWE is French for “yes”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*puts my mental health in rice
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.