Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks