I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.