baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy