[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.