Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My boss called in sick of me
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber