what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
“what that mouth do?” complain
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Velcrow
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.