Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
God has left this place
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no