Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
You Might Also Like
#SaturdayBears
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me buying fruit and veg
If you had more money you’d be happier.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!