Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
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My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
shut up and take my money
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs