Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Ok team, today we’re …..oh