Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
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Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*