If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Um … Hot Wings please
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is