Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
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LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty