boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
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Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
they should invent a hydrating liquor
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton