*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I bet
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.