“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.