[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE