Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
🙁
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey