[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
so much to do
Many hands make light work
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
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