Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
o shit
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.