[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
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By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Beware of fowl play.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃