Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
doing your own taxes
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.