Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I feel this so hard
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did