I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
ME (calling my horse with no name):
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
oh my gosh!!
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?