Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
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I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method