If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.