My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.