One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
You Might Also Like
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.