Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
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*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.