Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
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[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?