I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?