Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I finally found a reason to live again.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Okay
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.