me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I feel it
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
San Francisco has too many rules
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.