Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced