any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real