As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.