*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The only equipped I am is ill.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Beauty and the Beast