If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I just love that new Pope smell.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell