The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
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Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!