[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*email from Amazon*
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Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My boss called in sick of me
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either