Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
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Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.