I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission