Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.