Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
You Might Also Like
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
We need more people like this.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg